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i just dnt get it. i come home,wrk,cook and clean up behind this woman and now im feeling like every time i want to do something as simple as going to the gym its a problem! maybe i need a woman's point of view because rite now im about ready to call it quits really im trying to make this shit work for my childs sake at least. but im at my wits end!!!!

This post is probably going to rub most of you the wrong way because it touches on a sensitive subject. Challenging a persons beliefs is, in a way, challenging their entire existence, because what we think and what we believe make up who we are as people and how we view the world around us. We are what we eat, drink, believe, and think. And if any one of those is altered or conditioned in any way then there will be drastic changes within that person, either physically or emotionally. But I wish to make it absolutely clear that I am in no way, shape, form, or fashion pushing any belief or ideal onto any of you, and it is definitely not my intention to convert or save. I am simply making an observation and stating my opinions on a subject that many have their own opinions about.

When I was younger I used to hear people say that they were “God fearing” people. A teacher of mine once asked me if I was a God fearing person and I honestly did not know how to respond. So I said “no.” Then she said, “What?! You don’t fear God?!” Guessing that this wasn’t the response she was looking for, I quickly changed my answer. “I mean, yea I fear God! I thought you said something else.” I believe I was in the 4th grade when this happened. Talk about being confused! I was always taught that fear was a negative emotion. I was also taught that viewing God in a negative way was blasphemous and a one way ticket to hell. But like any child, or adult for that matter, I didn’t ask any questions and just went along with whatever my authority figure told me. But one question always stuck with me throughout my childhood and adolescent years: Was I supposed to love God or fear Him?

Alot of you might be saying that the answer is simple; both! But how is it possible to love something with all of your heart but fear it at the same time. I once heard a preacher use an analogy where he compared God to your biological father. He said “you love your father of course, but you were afraid of the consequences if you didn’t do what you were supposed to do.” But you aren’t necessarily afraid of your father as much as you are of the punishment that came along with doing wrong. Because if you’re truly and honestly afraid of your father, then there is no way you could truly and honestly love him. Many people confuse fear with love. People will do anything out of fear… even say “I Love You”

Many people would point to the bible as a reference to show God’s wrath and fury if you disobeyed him, and they would also use the same bible to show how much he loved you if you lived according to his will. The way I see it, if you truly loved God you would have no reason to fear him because you would do whatever it took to stay in his good graces because you loved him that much… but that doesn’t seem to be the case. The main reason people do what they do, as far as obeying God, going to church, and doing whatever the bible says, is because they are trying not to go to hell! They fear that God will send them to hell if they didn’t do it, not because they love Him. Also, people think if they don’t love Him then they’ll be sent to hell. The reason people love God the way they do is because they fear him! Paradoxical and ironic!

Now lets move on to another topic that always intrigued me. The personification of God. Jealousy/envy and wrath. Traits of God or traits of Man? When used in association with a human being they are two of the seven deadly sins. But when used in association with God they are evidence of His power, and His dire need of our love. I was taught to believe when I was little, like many Christians, that Man is born with Original Sin. That we are born unworthy. And life is all about pleasing God. I was taught that there was no way we could be perfect, but we could strive for perfection by obeying the word and following God’s only begotten son Jesus the Christ. I’m not knocking anyone’s religious views. I’m just saying its a little confusing. If we’re not suppose to be wrathful, or envious, or vengeful towards our fellow man, having a God that does the same wouldn’t make any sense. You might be saying, “Well, he’s God he can do that.” But in a sense, using that as an excuse would give us an excuse to do the same. “Since my God is wrathful, and envious, and vengeful, then that must mean its not that bad of a sin.” I’m sure people don’t actually say that out loud but on a subconscious level it has an affect. Which is why I believe there have been so many wars in the name of religion; because their violence is justified by some verse in the Bible or Koran. Its sorta like when a parent says “do as I say and not as I do.” Kids are gonna do whatever they see their parents do.

Now I’m not denying the existence of an omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent force that is the source of all creation. Whatever you choose to call it, it exists. I’m just saying that instead of realizing that we were made in It’s image, we tend to make It into our image. Maybe this idea of God that we have has been forced upon us by the various world religions. Maybe this idea of God that we have only exists in our mind. Maybe God lives within us but we just don’t realize it. Maybe we are all gods but we’re just too afraid of what that might in tel. Because that would mean that everything that happens to us is of our own doing and we’re not ready for that type of responsibility. Because it would be a whole lot easier if we just assumed that some white guy with a long white beard is sitting up there controlling everything and in order for things to go our way we have to pray to him and give him 10% of everything we own.

I’m sorry in advance for the people I’ve offended. But if you truly believe in something with all your heart then what I say wouldn’t matter.

What's happening ERWe Family? This is "C" Love getting @ ya! I'm just informing "Everyone" th@ I'm in Florida! I had t2o get away for a few. Soon come. Until then keep it moving!!!!!!! There it is. Str8 up 4 sho. Eh! Lots of LOVE!!!!!!!

Being told someone close to the family has passed away ..leaves a sadness in your spirit. My mom use to tell me that we all have one appt for sure to keep and that's dying ..I've had some close calls myself was I scared ..of the unknown yeah..I was more worried about my family than what could happen to me..back in 2006 I had a aneurysm and the dr.told me I'm not suppose to be here..I remember opening my eyes and seeing my family around my hospital bedi was on morphine ..which most of the time morphine was a drug we would give to very sick patients before they passed away to ease the pain..but I remember my mom telling the dr to take me off of that medication and as she placed her hands on me to pray she looked me directly in my eyes and she said its not your time yet..Barbara do you hear me its not your time yet ..and as I went to surgery those words stayed with me..along with my faith in God knowing he had me in his hands ..and I recovered from that but in 2007 I was told I had cancer ..I thought to myself what is going on with me..the devil is really throwing darts at me..and once again here comes my mom..now I was emotionally drainedand I cried everyday ..and my mom prayed for me every min of the day..and she told me once againits not over til God says its over..I was in and out of the dr offices for a couple of months and hadall kinds of biopsies done I was so terrified waiting weeks for my results to come back well to make a long story short.I'm cancer free..now its Jan 2009 my mom and I have decided to go on a 21day fast in which you pray and pray and don't eat..Jan19 2009 my mom came and told me I have to go take Julia to take the baby to the drand ill be right back ..I will never forget the look on her face that morning..she stared at me for a couple of seconds and five minutes later at the entrance to our subdivision my mom had lost her life to a gwinnett county policemam in a car wreck I remember running as fast as I could run to the accident ..and at the same time I heard my mothers voice telling meim ok baby ..I will always be with you..never give up on anything ..don't you ever settle for less than what you know you deserve and to be strong for my four sisters and my grandma ..and by the way Barbara don't you dare stop fasting ..Well my beautiful mother..I think I'm managing to do everything you asked me to do..tell uncle Otis I saidhi and all my grandma's and grandpas..and oh yeah mom tell God I can't wait to see all the wonderful things that he has instore.for me..Love Always Barbara Denise(Neicy)